The Mayonnaise Murders, Vol. 1, Chapter 1

           

CHAPTER 1

            Whoever killed Johnny Beardy ruined a perfectly good sandwich in the process. I was hungry when I found him, so that's the first thing came to my mind.

            For the record, my name is Vid. It's short for a name you don't wanna bother trying to pronounce if you're from Earth. Anyway, I solve problems. It's not what I always did, but things change and here I am. Stuck up to my gills in other critters' problems on good ole Planet 10.

             Once again, if you're an Earthling reading this, I meant that literally. You folks have a habit of making up cute little sayings and whatnot. Working your tail off. Sweatin’ like a pig. Up to your neck in.

             This ain't one of those. I have gills. Deal with it. They don't work so hot anymore because our kind hasn't spent much time breathing underwater since however many eons ago that was when we were created by you guys, apparently as some sorta joke that got outta hand. But now you're stuck with us, so I guess the joke's on you, right?

             As for Johnny Beardy, he didn't have gills because he was one of yours. What you folks like to call a rock star. But being without gills wouldn't explain why young Mr. Beardy was found butt-naked dead in one of Vivacious 5's more notorious back alleys at night, face down in a sandwich. A really big pork sandwich with mayonnaise on it.

              Mayonnaise. Now see, that right there lets me know this Johnny character had to have some connections with somebody who worked for the daily Earth transport. In the old days that never would've happened.

            See, the transport used to be a class operation before Council politics got it shifted over to Vivacious 5 sector. Back then, you couldn't smuggle a grain of dust without getting caught and sent off to Planet 10-C, the `C' standing for corrections.  But now the whole operation's been dragged down to V-5, down in the storage colony where the old landing base used to be. You couldn't pay me enough to work at that dump. See...

             Oh yeah. I was sayin’ about the mayonnaise.

            There ain't no mayonnaise on Vivacious 5 because there isn't any mayonnaise on Planet 10. Stuff's been banned for years. See, mayonnaise kinda glues up the gills, but it can also be used to manufacture some pretty exotic head squeezers, if you know what I'm sayin’. Besides, all us 10-types prefer our sandwiches straight without the clutter. No muss, no fuss, that's us.

             You gotta understand about Planet 10. It's a real clean little sphere. Clean water, clean air, clean sidewalks, and clean minds. Just the way it was manufactured to be over a century ago back in 2239 when Earth's experimental planet project was in full swing. Every sector spic and span, smellin' sweet and fresh.

            Except for Vivacious 5, which happens to be where most of us freelancers work who don't wanna sit around all day answerin’ phones and tradin’ smalltalk. For a freelancer with ambition, Vivacious 5 is the only sector that offers any real challenge to prove yourself. That's because Vivacious 5 is the one corner of Planet 10 the broom never found. Stinks like a damned sewer. Guess that's why a lot of us call all the low-lifes who hang out there `niners'. Lettin’ `em know they ain't quite evolved to 10 yet. They're the only ones who just won't go along with the program. They want Planet 10 back the way it used to be in the days before The Rinse kicked in, which was the final phase of the experimental planet program.

             God bless The Rinse, I'm tellin’ you. Who knows how this rock woulda ended up without it. Probably like a neon comet; goin down bright, goin down fast. One dead experiment, and a whole race of Teners gone with it.

              Johnny Beardy liked hanging around those niners, which would explain what he was doing in Vivacious 5 after hours. That’s plain as day. Ain't but a few kinds of critters go hanging around there after the third sun goes for a stroll, and that's the kind goes looking to get their fancy tickled in all the wrong places.

             But there's still a few things I don't understand.

               ``You mean, like, what he was doing walking around naked on a strange planet, hey? Nice trench coat by the way. Hat too. You do that color yellow a glooooriousss favor.''

               Oooh. That voice. Cripes. It was enough to get my motor runnin’ every time. Kinda voice make a critter wanna do things to himself. When I looked over my shoulder at Vee, saw her standin there in those tall spiked pink heels and short, tight purple skirt, I felt my breath get sucked right outta my stomach. Such a gorgeous creature to be a page scratcher. Too gorgeous. And she knew how to use it.

              ``Hey, cakes. Talkin’ out loud to myself again, huh? Damn. Gotta do somethin about that.''

              She kissed me just above the gills. Made me forget all about that naked stiff. Cops hadn't gotten here yet so nobody'd bothered covering ole Johnny up. He was just layin' there in the alley dirt, actually not lookin' all that outta place in this worn out section of a worn out section of town, trash and drunks littering what passed for a landscape. As usual, I'd gotten tipped long before those assholes on the beat, the keystones. That's `cause I know how to treat critters. In my line of work you had to know how to treat the critters.

            ``You're always sayin’ that, Vid, but you never do.  Just the way you are. Guess that's why you turn me on like you do, hey? I like a man that shares his thoughts.''

            ``Cut it out, kid. You remember what happened the last time you got me started.''

             Vee just grinned and winked, letting her ample left hip shift just the right way. Letting me dream a little dream. True enough, I'm one of the busiest freelance scavenger scouts in the sector, but I can always make time for a flesh fantasy. This time it was my turn to grin, letting her see the serrated edge of my front two teeth. I'd just had `em both filed down, and they were lookin’ sharp as ever. The babes went for it every time.

            Then, after we'd both had our fill, I said, ``Vee. Play fair, doll. `Least while we're on the clock.''

            Just like that, the girl's all business. Hip back in place, standin’ up straight, her little pointed fingers scurryin’ back and forth across that little electronic notepad she used. Gotta love a modern woman.

             ``Human, right?'' she asked.

             I frowned.

            ``Vee. Doll. How many Teners you think you're gonna find lookin’ like this with no clothes on? Even in Vivacious 5? I mean look at the color of that skin, for cryin’ out loud. It's white. And hair? On the head? C'mon, Vee, ask me a real question. Ain't that why they pay you the big bucks?''

      I still couldn't believe Vee couldn't tell who it was she was lookin’ at, even if it was a rather unflattering view from the rear. Vee had a huge sound collection, and Johnny Beardy was all through it like fibers through a rug.

             ``I got hair on my head, Vid. That make me human?''

             ``How much you pay for it, babe?''

              ``Be nice, Vid. Be nice, hey?''

              ``So ask me a real question already.''

              Still all business, but that got a grin out of her. She peeped at me over the top of her specs with those hot green eyes of hers. Don't know why they shook me up so. All teners got green eyes. Just not like Vee's is all.

               ``OK, I've got a real question for you, Misssster Vid. Perhaps you know why his clothes are gone? You think maybe he went to the wrong party uninvited or what?''

             ``I think maybe he came to the wrong  planet uninvited is what I'm thinkin’. You know well as I do them humans ain't got no business hangin’ around here unless it's the wrong kinda business.''

             Her fingers were steady scurryin’ across that notepad.

             ``And the sandwich? That some new kinda way they came up with to inhale their food?''

             ``Take a closer look, Vee.''

             ``Take a...?''

             ``Go ahead. And make it quick. Those keystones gonna be here any minute trying to sweep us both outta here and snatch the credit for what we found.''

              Vee took two steps closer to the body and leaned over as far as she could without letting her skirt rise too far up in the rear. Always a lady, that Vee.

              ``See anything unusual?'' I asked.

             ``Hey...that's mayonnaise!'' she chirped, soundin’ all proud of herself.

              Damn. What was it gonna take? Most times wasn't a thing you could get by my girl Vee. Well, at least she got part of it right.

             ``You got it, Vee. You ever see any mayonnaise here in Vivacious 5 sector? Or anywhere else on Planet 10, for that matter?''

             Vee stood back up and turned to face me. She pinched her eyes shut while she let her mind race back over all those files she kept so perfect in her head.

            ``Once,'' she said, her eyes opening again. ``I seen some once.''

            Not good.

              She frowned, then turned back around to take one last look at our naked friend. Suddenly she jumped, then dropped her notepad. She started jabbin’ her finger at the body like it was gettin’ back up or somethin’. I grinned.

             ``Hey! Vid! Isn't that...?''

                                                *********************

              Wasn't but a minute or two after Vee recognized dead loverboy when the keystones showed up. Actually, they don't like it when you call `em that. Hits too close to the truth. Their real title - every idiot with one bad tooth in his mouth on this planet has a title - is Planet 10 Industrial Safety and Peacekeeping Force - Vivacious 5 Sector. I feel about as safe around those spit-polish jerks as I do hangin’ over the edge of a cliff. They were the only agency I knew where, to be accepted? You had to pass a test provin’ you weren't too damned smart  for the force. Imagine that. These fellas supposed to be protectin’ us, and the only recruits they want are the schmucks.

             Anyway, these keystones, they all wear these regulation button-down lime green suits that you could just about spot in the dark. And they don't have feet. Each and every keystone's been surgically altered to have little wheels where the feet used to go. Now that's what I call commitment to the job. Oh yeah, and they always travel in even numbers, usually four or more, and they never smile. I don't mean it's an accident or coincidence, either. I mean those jokers are trained never to smile. A buddy of mine sneaked me one of their training handbooks one time, and it was right there in Chapter 3; No Smiling. Go figure.

             Just then, one of `em rolls up to me after circling the corpse a few times. He gives Vee the leering eye for a moment, I guess expecting her to disappear since she's a female, but Vee just stared him down and stepped up closer. Gotta love a professional woman. A moment or two more passes, then he looks back at me.

             ``You find this?''

              ``The body?'' I ask.

              He just stares.

              ``You mean the body?'' I ask again.

              This time he nods real sharp, lettin’ me know I'm wastin’ his time. Good.

             ``Yeah. Me and Vee here, we found it. And before we tell you anything else, we want it put on record that we're the ones found it. Not you jerkboxes.''

            Vee nodded, smirking just a bit.

             ``You're the one they call Vid,'' he said.

            ``Yeah. I'm the one.''

            ``Then you're the one they say is a troublemaker. Looks to me like you're making trouble right now. Would that be a correct assumption?''

            ``Look, hardass, just because I...''

            WHOMP.

            I mean, that's just what it sounded like. Felt like it too. Right dead center in the middle of my chest, like somebody kicked me with the heel of a giant-sized work boot.

             WHOMP!

            There it went again. Next thing, I'm lookin’ all around, tryin to figure where this WHOMP came from, but I can't see nothin’ ‘cause of all the smoke. I hear Vee coughin’ through her gills with that sick hissing sound they always make when distressed. She's coughin’ through her mouth too, and I'm stumblin’ around through the smoke wavin’ my hands around tryin' to find her and wondering why it's so hard. The crap smells like...damn. I'm not believin' this. That just can't be right.

            ``Vid!'' I hear Vee callin from my left. Sounds like she's all of a sudden real far away, which ain't makin' sense.

            ``Over here!'' I yell.

             That's when I hear those runnin' feet slappin' against the pavement. Sounded like whoever - or whatever -  was doin' the running wasn't wearing any shoes. But whoever those flappin' feet belonged to, I could tell they were movin' pretty quick. First time I caught a hint of them comin' it sounded like the flappin' was comin from pretty far away, just like Vee's voice. Then, just like that, I hear all these feet scurryin' around close. I'm figuring this smoke, or whatever it is, somehow bends noise. Makes it so whatever's comin at you can get to you before you know it's even in the neighborhood. Pretty clever.

            Thing is, I can't see much of nothin' except a shadow here and there. It'll be there for a second, but then it's swallowed up. Only talking I heard was them confused keystones yellin' for whoever it was to cease and desist immediately. The way their voices were scattered, they would've had to been spread out a whole lot farther apart than I knew they were. They just kept rattling off all these legal codes that were supposed to make the flap foots freeze in their tracks. You'd think it was the first time these jerkboxes had ever dealt with the criminal mind.

              Few seconds later - the whole event didn't last no longer than a minute - the smoke and that stale smell vanished like somebody'd sucked it up with a vacuum. Vee sees me and rushes over. She gets right up to me, then, in high heels no less, she puts on the brakes and starts fumbling around with her notepad like she's fixin' to start an interview. Still, those wide eyes and huffing gills let me know just how worried she was. That's my Vee. And just like I'd suspected, she wasn't anywhere near as far away as she was sounding.

              As for the keystones, it took a sec before they realized the smoke was gone and they stopped bumping into each other and shoutin' legal code numbers. But once they realized they could see each other again, they were quick to brush off their uniforms and wheel themselves into their standard authoritative-looking box formation. That's why I called `em jerkboxes. Playin' it off like they'd been in control the whole time.

             Anyway, me and Vee were standing on one side of the alley, the keystones on the other, and layin' right there between us was...

             ``Hey!''

            Right there in the patch of alley where Johnny Beardy'd just been takin' a rest with his face in a sandwich? Nothing but gravel and some debris.. Not only that, there weren't even any footprints.

            ``Did you get a look?'' the one keystone asks me.

               I shook my head, still staring at the empty ground. He looked over at Vee, but she did the same thing. Instead of looking at the ground, though, she was busy typing a story into her notepad. She had herself a major scoop, and she knew it. The keystone made a disgusted face, like he'd just smelled some foul odor, then turned away. For a minute I wondered if he'd smelled the same thing I had, but then I figured against it. Keystones were good at formations, but their sense of smell wasn't usually that hot. Something to do with results of the surgery made to their roller-feet. Whatever.

            ``Damned page scratcher,'' he said.

            Like I said, their sense of smell wasn't all there.

                                                            **************

             ``All right, Vee. Tell me about the last time you saw this mayonnaise.''

              We were sitting across from one another in a little late night cafe not more than a mile away from where the entire ruckus had gone down. Wasn't but a few other critters inside, and they were sitting at the counter watching the ritual screen. Vee and me were the only ones sitting in a booth. Vee had already filed her story over an hour ago, so she was through for the night unless she got called out on another run.

              ``You sure you wanna hear about this, hey? Vid, I'm tellin you, it's kinda creepy.''

              The keystones had left and gone on about their business, and I already knew that meant they weren't planning on filing any report at all since they didn't have anything to show for it. The last thing they wanted to do was to tell the top dogs a body got snatched away from `em inside some cloud that was smellin' like stale mayonnaise. Besides, I already knew they suspected me. Those jerkboxes were always suspectin' me whenever anything went twisted on `em.

             Anyway, when I asked Vee how she could get a story out about what happened without any confirmation from the squad, she said she didn't need them for confirmation because she'd seen it firsthand. Besides, I'd been there too. Good point. Still, there was one thing I had to know.

             ``You smell what I smelled inside that cloud, Vee?''

              She looked out the window at the street, then took a sip of crocka. Personally, I'd always preferred the real stuff, coffee, but the Purchasing Council took it off the market about a year ago and replaced it with this synthetic crap. Said coffee cost too much to import from the Earth clowns, plus those coffee bean plants  couldn’t survive in this artificial atmosphere.

             Vee nodded.

             ``Yeah. I did.''

             ``Um-hm.''

             She took another sip.

             ``So you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?''

             ``Yeah. I am.''

             I propped my elbows up on the table and leaned forward, tryin to give Vee a sense of how important this was. She knew I always leaned forward when I was dealing with something big.

             ``So then you gotta tell me,'' I said. ``And start at the beginning. Don't leave nothing out, hear?''

             For a full minute she doesn't say a thing. Can hardly hear her breathin'. Only noise is the ritual screen and whatever scattered noise is comin in from the street. But I know better than to push her. She'll talk when she's good and...

            ``You gotta promise me,'' she says.

            ``Promise...?''

            ``This doesn't go any further. Past you and me. It could really mess me up with my job and stuff.''

             ``OK, yeah. Sure, cakes. Sure thing. I mean, what? You gonna tell me you were takin' contract hits out on clean sector residents? Cripes, how bad can it be?''

            Vee ain't sayin' nothin'. Just steady lookin' in my eyes. Then it starts to hit me.

            ``Aw geez. Vee...That's it, ain't it? You used to...awwww geez...''

             ``That's just part of it. Look, Vid, you knew I wasn't always a page scratcher. You can't tell me you didn't figure that out the first time we met two years ago on that case, the one about the guy tryin' to grow an illegal peach tree in his closet. Almost knocked the atmosphere off balance, remember? You're too smart to let stuff like that go by you, Vid. You've always been too smart.''

              ``Yeah, but Vee, I mean, this...Ain't no way I woulda never suspected...''

              ``You got somewhere to go tonight, Vid?''

             I looked at my watch. Shook my head.

            ``What time this place close, hey?''

            ``Couple hours. Why?''

            ``Because I'm gonna tell you a story, and I want you to still be my friend when I'm through. About the way things used to be with me before I went legit. See, all right...Vid, I used to deal mayonnaise. Yeah. Me. Ain't that the livin' end? Little Miss prize-winning page scratcher from The V-5 Headline Screamer was a skid. For seven years. I know I told you I'd only seen mayonnaise once, but I lied. What I'm telling you now is the truth, I swear it. I'm probably part of the reason why the stuff is so illegal now.''

             ``Why, Vee?''

             ``Why the mayonnaise?''

             ``Why now? Why you tellin' me this now?''

             ``Because you're gonna need to know what I know to find out what happened to Johnny Beardy's body. And what's gonna happen if we don't find it.''

             ``If we don't...what're you sayin', Vee?''

            ``Let me tell you a story.''