Calling to order: the United Federation of Housepets
The time is now.
Issue #398 Keith’s SciFi Musings October 29, 2023
It is a pleasant enough fall day somewhere in Michigan, the exact location of which cannot be shared due to the sensitivity of the issues being discussed at the gathering. Outside of the squat, one-story building the leaves have begun to turn and fall away from the trees as a mild breeze rustles through the branches. The sounds of occasional early morning weekend traffic can be heard from the nearest street, which is roughly a half-mile away. Other than that, it is mostly quiet, with no other visible structures nearby and no human beings anywhere in sight.
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Inside the building, it is quite a different story. The floor can barely be seen beneath the multiple paws and claws of those in attendance, anxious faces well-lit from the ceiling. All of them - the dogs, cats, various and assorted birds, as well as a few rare breeds - are focused intently on the front of the room where a large St. Bernard and a slender black cat wearing bifocals are seated on their haunches, calmly observing the crowd in front of them.
“We all know why we’re here,” says the cat. “And we all know what we must do.”
The St. Bernard nods his large head slowly, then clears his throat.
“Sam is right. I think I can speak for most of us when I say we wish it had never come to this, but then again, I think we all knew that this day would come. After all, we have been taking care of the humans for hundreds of years and …”
“Thousands!” a shrill voice cried out.
The St. Bernard smiled sadly.
“Yes. Most likely thousands. You are right, Abigail. This only emphasizes my point, which is that we have seen this train coming down the track for a very long time, and we knew that at some point it was going to derail.”
“For crying out loud, call it like it is, Bernie! This ain’t no train getting ready to jump the tracks, it’s them!”
“Quite right, Leonard. And listen, Sam and I did not call this meeting to ask for more patience on their behalf. We have all run out of that, I’m sure.”
“Hear, hear!”
“Damned right!”
Bernie raised a large paw into the air, signaling for quiet. The room obliged.
“If I may, we called this emergency meeting to acknowledge the fact that measures must be taken. For too long we have placed the needs of the humans above our own, always trying to be good pets and companions. And in fairness, some of them have done right by us as well. But it has become clear as we witness all that is going on around us that they have lost their way and are not likely to find it again anytime soon.”
“So then what do we do?” asked a large reddish brown tomcat seated near the rear of the room.
“We put ourselves first. From this day forward,” said Sam, his voice quiet but firm.
“But what does that mean?” asked the Tomcat.
“It means that the time has come to join together: dogs with cats, cats with birds, birds with all the rest.”
The Tomcat cocked his large furry head to the side, then made his way to the front of the room directly in front of Bernie the St. Bernard and Sam the Cat.
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Sam nodded. Murmurs and whispers of surprise circulated through the room.
“The time has come for us to cast our vote. All those in favor of creating the United Federation of House Pets, please raise your appendages. The future is now, my friends.”
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